We did everything together, watched everything together, but somehow both didn’t mention to each other that we’d each found the time to binge a series called Love. Over dinner, his little brother’s girlfriend, who worked in the entertainment industry, asked if he was excited for the second season premiere; I guess he’d discussed it with her… he couldn’t even say the word to me.
When I was 16, I found myself with boyfriend. He was perfect, and we dated for two years until I got curious about the world and other potential boys I hadn’t met yet in college.
Then, several years later, when I decided he was still perfect, I tried to be with him again, but he smelled weird to me. I asked him if he’d showered, put on deodorant, brushed his teeth, chewed gum, all affirmative, all moments before I met him, but he smelled too weird to me to kiss.
What a sad fucking day. Alone with a potential love of my life, too grossed out to kiss him ever again.
I’ve been dating like I do laundry: I do it because society says I should, and I know if I put it off for long enough, I’ll regret it, but it always feels like it takes up too much time
Take a vacation to the past and could have been.
Come visit me across the country and live what I can see.
Just for a short while, try out the places I see you at, indulge a fantasy.
Let go a little; take a vacation to the past and could have been with me.
I can’t remember the last time we cuddled.
I can’t remember that Saturday night, the feeling of your chest hair tingling against my bare back, your long arms squeezing me in. I can’t remember if I went to sleep quickly or slowly. If we were warm or cold. If we woke up easily or groggy. I tried so hard to savor each night, bathing in your navy sheets and dusty room, but I can’t remember the last time we cuddled.
Tomorrow, it’ll be a year. A year since we took the last selfies I have of us. My face pressed against you as we make silly expressions into the camera. It was a weird night. Our plans were kind of complicated. It’d been a week since I’d seen you. Almost a week since I asked you to think about where we were going.
It took you three months to answer that question. We didn’t take any more selfies in that period. But nothing else really changed.
It’s been a weird year. A lot’s happened. I’ve done a lot. I went a lot of places. I’ve erased you from a lot of stuff, but you’re still around.
You’ve met someone else. I wonder where you’ll be at midnight. I still miss you.
All the things in my brain that remind me of you
All the things in my brain marked off as things you’d love to do
The things in my brain rot as someone else discovers all the things anew
Now there’s two of us, walking around, thinking of you.
I hope she discovers all of them and shares them with you
I hope they bring you happiness as they ought to
But as you wander the world, finding things for her,
Pause now and again
And come upon a Melissa thing or two.