penis

Trade offs

He saw himself out which was eh until I remembered I’d get to wear my retainer that night!!

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confessions · happy · penis

Bits

I.

So my boyfriend and I break up, and I start working out a lot to stay sane. And now I’m like, great, now I have abs, and there’s no one to look at them. Can I get a second opinion on if my perky spin butt is worth the chunky spin thighs?

II.

I’m still in that self destructive phase where if someone offered me a chance to meet a stranger who would become the love of my life or a text from my ex stating that he wanted to see me, I’d choose the latter.

III.

It’s starting to have been long enough since we broke up that if I died, it wouldn’t be immediately obvious to people to call you. I still can’t believe you don’t want to hang out anymore. I just want go home.

IV.

I didn’t have any warning. I still had soup in your freezer and eyeliner placed gently on the ground of your bathroom as I sprinted after you to brunch. I feel like I lost a home.

penis

The rules of the T-snap

He talked about wanting a Patagonia T-snap sweater, pointed out his favorite color, and I obliged on his birthday. This’ll be fun, I thought.

I played a game in college where a Patagonia was my preferred morning after attire. As soon as I’d spot one in a guy’s bedroom, my mind would lock on maneuvering to walk home in it.

You’re never allowed to let a girl wear your Patagonia, I declared. I won’t let you get played. Notice I said “a girl”, inclusive of all women, lovers or not. You can’t lend your T-snap to a friend who has a secret crush on you, who will imagine your warmth wrapped around her through the T-snap. You can’t lend your T-snap to an old friend, who is most definitely a friend, who you end up sleeping with in six months. That would be a retroactive violation of the T-snap. If someone wears your T-snap, if they take it, out of your control, you must immediately abandon ownership of the T-snap, so she can’t feel you around her. And she can’t keep it: burn it, ship it to Goodwill, take it out of our lives.